Losing the Field Read online

  “You know this is the last thing I want to do,” I told him.

  “Yeah. But you sitting your ass at home sulking isn’t healthy. This is.”

  I shook my head and glared out the window of his truck. “Just let me deal with this my way. Stop trying to help me face it. You don’t know what this is like.”

  Ryker didn’t respond right away. “Maybe not,” he finally said. “I just hate to see you sit here.”

  “I need time.”

  “You’ve had plenty of time. You’ve had a fucking summer’s worth of time.”

  If I didn’t love him, I’d throw his ass out of this moving vehicle. When we got to the field, I would just walk the eight miles home. Better than putting up with this. Besides, it was a Monday night. Not a field party night. We didn’t party on Monday nights during the school year. This was all about me. Them trying to make me act like the Nash I had been. Didn’t they get it? He was gone.

  Cars, trucks, and a few Jeeps all filled the parking space among the trees. I recognized most all of them. The ones I didn’t had to be new vehicles. Those who had gotten their licenses over the summer. I laid my head back on the seat and groaned. “I don’t want to do this.”

  “You need this. To remember it’s not over. We are all still here. We all miss you. Football doesn’t define you.”

  Angry, my head snapped up and I glared at him. “Does it define you? It’s all we’ve ever known. But it wasn’t taken from you. If it was gone tomorrow, what then?”

  Ryker shrugged. “I’d find another path. Move on. I don’t love it the way you do, Nash. Never have. It’s just football. It’s not my life.”

  That was easy for him to say. He wasn’t in my shoes. It wasn’t out of his reach. Never would be. I slung the door open and climbed out. Staring down the road, I considered doing what I had planned: walking home.

  But the look on my dad’s face if I did made me pause. I was sure he knew exactly where I was and supported it. I didn’t want to face him any more than I did this damn party.

  “Did you invite the whole fucking school?” I snarled.

  “Yeah. Now stop being a dick and come drink a beer. Relax. Enjoy yourself.”

  They were drinking beer on a Monday night before their first game of the season Friday. They needed to practice all week. Stay focused. Get rest. Not drink beer for God’s sake. Did they all think so little of what they had? What they could have? Had I taken it for granted like this?

  “It’s one beer. Stop acting like Coach,” Ryker replied, reading my thoughts.

  Without much other choice I walked beside him through the trees with only the moonlight guiding our path. We didn’t need any light. These woods had been our childhood. We knew them well.

  As we stepped through the tree line and into the open field where a fire pit was already going, cheers arose. They were acting like I’d won some damn award. I heard my name called out a few times. I didn’t even try to respond. That beer was sounding better. After all, I wouldn’t be playing football on Friday. I didn’t need to prepare.

  “They are here for you,” Ryker said, as if I needed clarification.

  “I know that,” I snapped.

  “Then act like you give a shit.”

  I was tired of him trying to force this on me. He needed me to act the way I always had so he wouldn’t have to face reality. We wouldn’t be going to college together. We wouldn’t be playing ball together again. Those were the hard truths. I’d faced it, and he needed to now. This hanging on to a fantasy was annoying.

  “I don’t,” I replied. Then I walked on. Away from my cousin, who I knew meant well but was pushing too hard. I needed space.

  “Nash!” a voice called out. I turned to see Asa standing over by the bed of his truck with Rifle Hannon, Hunter Maclay, and Walker McNair. All guys I would have started with this year. Guys I would never get that close to. A team I wouldn’t be a part of.

  I glanced at Hunter one more time to see if Blakely was anywhere near him. I didn’t see her. But my eyes locked on one female. One I wasn’t in the mood to see as much as I wasn’t in the mood for this party. Tallulah. All that blond hair hanging down around her shoulders. Long legs barely covered by the shorts she was wearing, and those eyes. Damn expressive. I hated that I was attracted to her.

  It wasn’t that I disliked her. I’d always liked Tallulah. I just hated that the fact I was suddenly attracted to her in a way I had never been was because she had lost weight. It almost made her sudden hate for me make sense. Almost.

  She wasn’t angry with Asa for being all over her. She forgave him for never noticing her in the past. But me, she was furious with me. It annoyed me. Along with everything else in life.

  “We need to talk,” Blakely said, snapping me out of my thoughts and away from Tallulah. I turned to see her standing to my left. Barely dressed and stunning. Like always.

  “Now you want to talk?” I asked. She sure hadn’t been interested in it this summer.

  She rolled her eyes. “Don’t go blaming this on me. You changed. You got so … dark and angry. I couldn’t deal with that. I don’t like to be unhappy.”

  I stood there and listened to her tell me how my suffering had been bad for her vibe. I shouldn’t be shocked. I’d been the one to date her knowing she was particularly selfish. I’d known her for years. She wasn’t one to be labeled as kind and caring. More like wild and exciting.

  “Then what do we have to talk about?” I asked, deciding that walking home wasn’t such a bad idea.

  “Us. We aren’t working.”

  I laughed then. Did she think I needed to be told this? Either her intelligence was lacking, or she thought my head had been injured along with my leg. “No kidding.”

  Her eyes flared, as did her nostrils. “You don’t have to be an ass.”

  “I’m not. Just find it funny you think I thought there was an us. We haven’t talked in weeks. Besides …” I nodded my head in Hunter’s direction. “You’ve got a junior to break in.”

  She made a disgusted sound. “You’re a jerk. I shouldn’t have even tried to talk to you. There is no point.”

  I agreed. She shouldn’t. “Then don’t.”

  That was enough to send her stalking off in a pair of heels not meant for the grass. She managed to walk in them anyway. I could follow her and make everyone in that group uncomfortable. Say shit to make them wince. But I didn’t feel like wasting my time.

  I moved toward the beer once again when headlights broke through the trees and caught everyone’s attention. Confused, I turned to watch as a shitty car pulled into the clearing.

  When Coach D stepped out, the entire field went silent.

  What the hell was he doing here?

  Well, Please, by All Means, Call the Police

  CHAPTER 9

  TALLULAH

  “Shit, why’s he here?” Asa muttered, drawing my attention off Nash and toward where everyone else seemed to be looking.

  My new English Literature teacher, Mr. Dace. Also known as Coach D. I had that class with a few football players. They had referred to him as such. He didn’t look or act like the other football coaches. He was younger, better-looking, and had a bit of a nerdy, cool persona. I enjoyed his class today. It had been an introduction to what was to come mostly, but he seemed to love the idea of teaching.

  The last time I had a coach for a teacher had been Driver’s Ed in tenth grade. This was different. Mr. Dace was the first coach who taught something that required a solid degree in our school. I saw him talking to Ryker, who seemed furious that he was here. This was the Lees’ land. Their grandfather and fathers knew about the parties. They were allowed. No adult had ever come back here that I knew of. But then again, this was my first party too.

  “Why is Coach D here?” Hunter asked, a touch of concern in his tone. It was as if he were about to face a cop with that cup of beer in his underage hand instead of his coach. I wondered if Hunter had ever been in a lot of trouble. It didn’t seem like
it. But then, I didn’t know much about Hunter, or any of the team. To be honest, I knew very little about anyone at our school.

  “Shit, there goes Nash,” Asa said, standing up from the tailgate he’d been sitting on. “I better go help.” He glanced at me. “Let’s go.”

  I didn’t exactly want to stay here with these people I didn’t know, so I did as told. I went with him. Mr. Dace appeared laid-back as he listened to Ryker talk, but then his eyebrows shot up just as we got close enough to hear them.

  “You think this is going to win any games? This behavior? I understand this is the norm on a Friday night after a game. But starting this on a Monday when we have a week to prepare and get our minds ready?” Mr. Dace waved his hand at the crowd now watching the conversation.

  “What I think is that this is the way we handle things. Coaches have never bothered us here before,” Ryker said, his tone still respectful but firm.

  “He’s right,” Nash said loudly, holding up a red plastic cup full of beer. It sloshed over the rim. “If y’all want to win, you don’t need to be here kissing my ass. Trying to act like my fucking world isn’t over. Listen to the man,” he told Ryker. Then he turned his eyes toward Mr. Dace. “As for you, get off. This is private property. You weren’t invited on it. Now leave. Don’t come back.”

  I halted in my steps. Nash’s tone had gone from nice to nasty in a split second. He was glaring at Mr. Dace as if he was the one at fault here. Not the field full of underage teens drinking beer. I wasn’t so sure there weren’t some things being smoked, either. I didn’t know what that looked or smelled like, so I wasn’t positive.

  “Might be private property, but if I call the cops, they’ll only care about the teens consuming alcohol and the smell of weed in the air.”

  Ryker muttered something, then turned to stand between Mr. Dace and Nash with his back to Mr. Dace. “Just let it go. Last thing we need is the police showing up here.”

  Nash laughed loudly. “You think they’d actually come? Hell, these parties have been going on since our dads were teens. The cops know. They don’t fucking care. They just want the football team to win. More important than some teens drinking a beer.” He leaned to the side and smiled at Mr. Dace. “Wouldn’t you agree? No? Well please, by all means, call the police. Find out how this town works.”

  “Shut up,” Ryker snarled at Nash.

  Nash beamed at him. The bright fake smile that meant nothing. “Why? You wanted me to get out and have fun. This is fun. Best time I’ve had all summer. Seeing him call the cops would be even more entertaining.”

  Nash’s voice was loud now. I knew everyone could hear him. I took a glance around and saw people leaving. Some quickly. Others trying to do so quietly. Hunter Maclay was gone. I guess the quarterback didn’t want to get mixed up with this.

  “You’re scaring them away. Damn, guess we all need to go home now,” Nash said, looking anything but disappointed.

  “He’s had more than his share of beer. Who’s sober enough to drive him home?” Mr. Dace asked.

  “They’ve all been drinking,” Nash said with a laugh. “This is my first cup, and I’ve had one sip. I’m the safest driver here at the moment.

  Mr. Dace frowned as if he wasn’t so sure about that. But I had seen Nash arrive. He hadn’t looked happy to be here. And he hadn’t even had that cup of beer when Mr. Dace drove up. He’d grabbed it up just before I realized Mr. Dace was here. As if he wanted to appear like he was enjoying himself.

  “He’s not lying,” I heard myself say. “He got here just before you did.”

  All eyes turned to me. Mr. Dace frowned; then recognition came into his gaze. Then surprise. He hadn’t expected to see me here. He didn’t know me. We had only met today. But I guess I still didn’t look like a girl who would be at a field party. Weight loss couldn’t change it all for you. Inside you were the same.

  “Talia?” Mr. Dace asked.

  “Tallulah. Ta-loo-lah. Jesus what is it with teachers and her fucking name. It’s not that hard to pronounce,” Nash corrected him, clearly annoyed. It reminded me of a time when I thought he was my hero. I had worshiped him from afar. Clung to any smile or word he threw my way.

  “I’m sorry. I just had Tallulah in my class this morning. I haven’t memorized names yet.” He didn’t look at Nash as he said it. He looked at me.

  “It’s okay,” I assured him.

  “So you’re still nice to him. You just went all bitch on me?” Nash asked. I ignored that.

  “Jesus, Nash,” Asa said, sounding frustrated.

  Nash just laughed. There was no joy in his laugh. But there was pain. Didn’t they all hear that? See it for what it was?

  “We have workouts at seven in the morning. I want all of you at the field house at six. If you want to play Friday. Tallulah, I’ll give you a ride home. Nash, you drive the others home. No one that has been drinking needs to drive.”

  “Tallulah came with me,” Asa said before I could react.

  “And have you been drinking?”

  Asa sighed, then nodded.

  “Then I am taking her home. The rest seemed to have cleared out.” He looked around to see very few people standing around. “The party is over,” he called out, then turned his attention back to Ryker. “You want to play? You’ll make sure they all get home safely.”

  When he turned his head, his eyes met mine. “Let’s go.”

  I didn’t wait to argue. He was the adult after all. I glanced at Asa. “Bye” was all I knew to say.

  “See you tomorrow,” he replied.

  Not being able to help myself, my eyes went to Nash. He smirked, then shook his head. “That’s bullshit.” I didn’t know what he meant, and I didn’t wait to find out. I followed Mr. Dace to his car. This night had turned out nothing like I had expected. In my head, I had built up this world they lived in, but the reality was much different. My life alone with my books was more appealing now I knew what this looked like.

  You’re All Fucking Shallow

  CHAPTER 10

  NASH

  “You just gonna let him take her?” I asked Asa while watching Tallulah walk off with Coach fucking D. I’d seen the way he’d looked at her. I was sure most men looked at her that way. But that asshole was a teacher at her school, and she was seventeen years old.

  Asa shrugged. “What else can I do? He’s right. I’ve had a few beers. Can’t have him calling my dad. Or her mom.”

  Weak. That excuse was weak. He was worried about the game. Getting to play. Not the fact Tallulah had gone off with a man ten years older than her. Hell, was I the only one who saw the man checking out her legs? It was pretty obvious.

  “He isn’t that stupid. He won’t compromise the game,” I replied, disgusted. This entire night shouldn’t have happened. “Besides why did you bring her here? To a field party? She doesn’t hang with this crowd.”

  Asa was the one who now looked annoyed. “Don’t be an ass. She lost weight.”

  And he thought I was being an ass. “Wasn’t talking about her weight. I was referring to her brain. She’s studious. Doesn’t party. Reads a lot. This isn’t her scene.”

  “You don’t know her scene. She was quiet and studious because she didn’t have friends. She’s a different person now. She’s incredibly hot. Fun to talk to. Nice.”

  This conversation was annoying me with every word out of his mouth. I needed to drop it. But I didn’t. “She’s the same person. She was always all those things. She just looks different now. You’re all fucking shallow.”

  Even as I said the words, I felt a twinge of guilt. Just because I’d spoken to her in the past didn’t mean I had found her attractive. I hadn’t been knocking at her door either. But at least I wasn’t using her sudden outward appearance as the reason she is fun to talk to.

  “How do you know? Until she showed up today, none of us knew her. I never saw you hanging around her before.”

  I wouldn’t be thrown in the same disgusting clump as them. I had been
nice to her. “First grade. She sat three seats in front of me. Was nervous and shy. The teacher never pronounced her name correctly, and after a few times of correcting her and getting ignored, Tallulah stopped saying anything. I spoke up. Miss Barker got it right from then on. Third grade, she finished last in the one-mile run we did during PE. She was walking and breathing hard. None of you paid attention to the others laughing at her. Making jokes. I went over and told her she did great. I gave her my bottle of water since all of them were gone. Fourth grade, she fell and spilled her tray of food all over the cafeteria floor. While everyone laughed and said things like it was good she would miss a meal, I helped her up. Walked her to the bathroom so she could clean the red Jell-O off her shorts. Then gave her my tray of food—”

  “Eleventh grade, I made a joke about her in a swimsuit, and you laughed. You laughed and never thought anything about it. Stop being so damn high and mighty. We are all the same. The girl was fat—we didn’t notice her. She’s thin now, and we are all looking.” Ryker’s interruption was like a slap in the face.

  I let my memory go back. To that day. To the last day of school last year. It was one week before I decided to play football in Ryker’s backyard with a bunch of friends and family members at the Memorial Day barbecue we had each year. The backyard game that would ruin everything for me. I didn’t think about that. I thought about the week before. I saw Tallulah leaving school. Her arms full and a look of relief on her face. She was glad the year was over, just like us.

  I spoke to her. It had never been a good-deed thing or a pity thing. I just liked her smile. Her eyes were so damn blue, and her smile was always real. It was also rare. But I could make her smile, and I liked it. I wanted to do it. Made me smile in return.

  That day, though … after seeing her smile, my mind was right back on the date I had with Blakely that night and the sex I would be getting. I hadn’t thought much more about Tallulah. Then Ryker … I paused and looked at him now. Studied his face. Let his words replay in my head. He’d made a joke about Tallulah in a bathing suit. No one needing to see that. Or something to that affect. I wasn’t paying attention to him. My head was elsewhere.